The Notorious S.O.B.

New Marketing Scheme?....

2006-12-05T11:49:00.000-05:00

Here I thought McD's was supposedly on a health kick. Looks more like they are targeting those interested in cunilingus, euthanasia, and homo-pedophilia. Not available in all areas. Prices and participation may vary. Damn, now I'm hungry.

Movin On...

2006-11-19T18:04:00.000-05:00

Hell with it - I think I'll finally make the jump. I'm in the process of setting up a myspace page. Why the hell not, right? I think I'll keep this as well - we'll see. What's the difference anyway? It'll take a few days I guess. I want it to look good enough that forty year old men moonlighting as teenagers will wanna abduct me...lol. We'll see how she goes...

An Essential SOB List Of Obscurities...

2006-11-16T10:32:00.000-05:00

Can you tell I'm bored? Fine. Whatever. Anyway, I think I should list ten movies one may have missed somewhere along the line. Cinematic gems. Masterpieces. FILMS. Anyway, the fact that 5 people (at the most) look at this page makes it all the more seemingly ridiculous. They've pro'bly seen all these gems. Oh well, what the fuck. Here goes nothing (literally).

Casualties Of War
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Popcorn
The Devil's Rejects
Memento
Buffalo '66
Clay Pigeons
Trees Lounge
Poolroom Junkies
Harvey

Brand New A.T.T.5

2006-11-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

All-Time Top Five Comedians(IMO)

Mitch Hedberg
Jerry Seinfeld
Richard Pryor
Jim Gaffigan
Lenny Bruce

Hollow...

2006-11-16T09:03:00.000-05:00

You know, I just realized something. I don't care. Not about anything in particular. I just don't care. About anything. Why bother? What's the point? Why get worked-up and passionate about anything, especially since we cannot control 99% of it? I don't care.

The question now should be, "What kind of person does this make me? How will others receive me?" I don't care what people will think of me. That would just be another headache. I don't like headaches. I've had them all my life for several different reasons. They annoy me. Avoiding headaches would be wonderful.

Now I suppose I must explain this epiphany, if you will call it so. I don't care about things I cannot control, things that don't directly affect me. There are minute, insignificant things I surely care about. Material things - things that don't matter. One has to care about these things in order to maintain some level of humanity. Of course, I care about family and friends and other human and social interactions one must have for survival. Thats what seperates us from psychopaths and serial killers.

If I were to continue down this road at this time I might delve much deeper into this abyss of thought and give myself a headache, which I want to avoid. I guess I have some inner demons and hypocracies to work themselves out. Oh well - I think I'll go read now. I don't know why, but I think I will.

A Message From Borat...

2006-11-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

Hello, I am a Borat Sagdiyev from Kazakhstan. My new movie-film is now in the movie-houses in the U. S and A. Please, you watch. If movie-film is not success, I will be executed. I enjoyed my times in America very much, but it is good to be back home.

While I was in the U. S and A. my sister became the number three prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. I very proud of sexy times and fornications. She's very nice at sexy times. Wowa-wee-a! I brought home many things from your great country. One is collection of Victoria's Secrets sexy time books. I sell them for many profits here. The best ones have the Tyra Banks in them, with the chocolate face and chocolate boobies. Very nice!! I get four chickens for those. High five! I love the U. S. and A.!!! My hopes is I might return very soon to acquire more culture learnings for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan. I hopes to also acquire more sexy times books and bring plenty of pubic hairs to pay for large collection. Please, you watch my movie. I wish not to die before my wife turn thirteen.

Freddy Fender (1937 - 2006)

2006-10-16T10:06:00.000-04:00

Today seemed to be heading in an odd, melancholy direction. I noticed it when I got off of work this morning. I couldn't put my finger on it, though. Something was askew, something wasn't right with the world. I hadn't jumped on the computer as I normally do when I got home from work. I was gone this weekend. I hadn't heard any news. I hadn't heard "the" news. I hadn't heard that Freddy Fender has passed on.

Most people know Fender for his one huge hit song, "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights." And yes, thats the first song of his I remember hearing also. But he was much more than a one hit wonder. "Before The Next Teardrop Falls" was also a big hit, not to mention one of the most beautiful melodies ever recorded. Other successes include "Vaya Con Dios" and "You'll Lose a Good Thing." And if you haven't heard Freddy's version of "Tell It Like It Is", you havent lived.

Once upon a time I was dating this beautiful girl. And I cannot remember where we were going, but I threw in a cd of The Texas Tornados. That was a "supergroup" consisting of Fender, Augie Myers, Flaco Jimenez, and the late Doug Sahm. She immediately lit up. "You like Freddy Fender?" Indeed I did. "Yeah, what's not to like?" She then told me about when she was little, living with her grandparents. She and her grandmother used to sit in the den at night and her grandmother would play Fender's records and they would sing along, both the English and the songs in Spanish. "She would've liked you," she told me. And thus sentimentality begins. Hmmm. Take a moment to enjoy what Freddy left behind if you get a chance today. It'll be good for the soul. I think I'll go do that now.

2006-10-12T15:07:00.000-04:00

Today's post brought to you in part by crystal meth. "Crystal Meth - Crack For Crackers".

Alright so I got paid this morning and I'm fucking around, waiting on the bank to open so I can deposit my check. I arrive at the bank around 9:30 and pull-up to the drive-thru. I didnt have a deposit slip with me and didnt have time to go in so I sign the back, put my account number on there and the amount which I would like deposited, i.e. Deposit: XXXXX. No, it shouldnt take a genius to figure this one out.

So the little door opens and I put the check in, saying "The deposit amount is on the back." to which she replied, "Okay." A minute or so later she's back. "Did you wanna deposit the whole thing?" and I calmly say "No, the deposit amount is on the back by the word 'deposit'." A little smarmy I guess, but come on. And there's this blank stare from her for a second, as if her internal computer is freezing up. She's probably thinking "This guy has no business talking to me like that." All I could think was "This dumb bitch has no business having anything to do with my money."

You know, there's nothing worse on this earth than a stupid person.

Brighter note, funny joke: A man was sitting at the bar, crying in his beer. The bartender asks, "What's wrong?" "My mother-in-law," the man replied. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," says the bartender. "Everyone has problems with his mother-in-law."
"Yeah," the man replied, "but I got mine pregnant."

Awww, how sweet.

2006-10-06T13:51:00.000-04:00

We're off to see the Maiden!
The wonderful Maiden of lore
Like we've seen a couple of times,
And hope to see many more!

Because
because
because
because
because,

THEY FUCKING ROCK!!!!!!!!

Fuck Y'all - A Poem...and a pretty girl in a great tee

2006-09-21T10:23:00.000-04:00

Fuck y'all terrorists and your psychotic brainwashed beliefs
Fuck y'all racists, bigots, anti-Semitics, and hillbilly redneck fuckos
Fuck y'all holier-than-thou, upward-turned-nose, condescending assholes
Fuck y'all TV evangelists whose real god is the almighty dollar
Fuck y'all over-paid, egotistical, self-important pro athletes - not impressed
Fuck y'all know-it-all, opinion on everything, dimwit dumbfucks
Fuck y'all cheaters, liars, shallow, empty, soul-less bitches and bastards
Fuck y'all CEO's and shareholders outsourcing American jobs to foreign countries
Fuck y'all politicians and lobbyists turning this country into a global joke
Fuck y'all to anyone who visits this page without so much as a "fuck you" back at me
Fuck y'all to anyone else left out due to alcohol, weariness and boredom

Instant apologies to anyone offended - just kidding.

Five Long Years...

2006-09-11T07:36:00.000-04:00

Damn, its hard to believe that its been five years since this happened. Hard to believe many people feel no safer today than they felt five years ago. I'm neither anti- or pro- American. Dont get me wrong, this was a terrible tragedy. It was a completely uncalled for series of events planned by Muslim extremists who, quite frankly, cheated us all out of true justice by going down with these planes. If you havent been to the Ground Zero site, you really do not grasp the magnitude, the exponential size of the destruction. I had the opportunity to visit the site last year during a brief trip to NYC. It really is a sobering experience. I really couldnt have imagined seeing it in person with all the debris still in there after it happened.

And so it goes. Its of course a day to be remembered. I guess all I really want to say about it, avoiding as much political bullshit as possible, is this: Kudos to the people of NYC, who showed tremendous strength and perseverence in such a traumatic time. Kudos to the FDNY and the NYPD, for their incredible bravery. Kudos to Mayor Rudy, who did an amazing job during such tragedy. And finally, kudos to all Americans, who for a brief time stood together across all political, racial, and social lines. It was a united country for a while. What a concept.

Well That Explains That

2006-09-05T15:18:00.000-04:00

Hey, at least now we know where they come from. The fact that its a real place makes it all the more hilarious.

Another Reason to Like Motorhead?...

2006-09-05T15:13:00.000-04:00

(Now thats a damn fine t-shirt)

Presence Of Greatness...

2006-08-28T09:37:00.000-04:00

Well I'll be damned if on my daily religious regimen, The Bob and Tom Show, they had an incredible guest on today: legendary singer for Deep Purple, Ian Gillan! The man is as polite and genteel (that spelling looks incorrect) as any middle-aged Brit generally seems to be. He had wonderful stories of his days in both Deep Purple and Black Sabbath. He talked about the Spinal Tap movie and his connection to it. And he talked about doing a duet with Luciano Pavoratti. They talked extensively about Deep Purple's album Machine Head - one of the greatest rock albums ever made. The album contains the massive hits Highway Star, Smoke On the Water, and Space Truckin'. The other four tracks are stellar as well. It is definitely one of the greatest rock albums ever made. Which leads me to an all new, all-time top-5 list. This one'll take some thought, and I request feedback, in fact I demand it. I can only rank the first one. The list is of course subjective, but here we go.---

All-Time Top-5 Classic Rock Albums

The Rolling Stones, Exile On Main Street
The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Electric Ladyland
Pink Floyd, Dark Side Of the Moon
Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin II (this one can spark debate)
The Doors, L.A. Woman

As easy as making these lists may seem, if one is true to one's self, completely honest, it isn't. It requires a little thought. You understand the parameters, now post your own list.

Damn Thats Funny...

2006-08-27T17:08:00.000-04:00

2006-08-16T07:46:00.000-04:00

Today is a special day to millions of people. Today marks the anniversary of the death of Elvis Aaron Presley. The King died upon his throne 29 years ago today. So if you're a fan of the King, pop in a cd and raise a glass in tribute. If you don't give a shit about this, then disregard.

P.S. - You cannot get into Heaven if you fail to name 5 Elvis songs. Really, seriously.

P.S.S. - Just heard actor Bruno Kirby has passed away. If the name's not familiar, look him up. You've seen him in many great movies.

New All-Time Top 5 and A Drunken Bonus...

2006-08-15T11:20:00.000-04:00

All-Time Top 5 Cinema Sirens (The Ones That Make You Have to Adjust Yourself)
--no order--

Ann-Margret
Marilyn Monroe
Monica Bellucci
Elizabeth Taylor
Natalie Wood (a personal, undying crush)

Funniest joke heard in quite some time:
Q: What do you get when you cross a whore and a truck-stop condom?
A: Herpes

A Tale Of Two Concerts-----

2006-08-13T20:28:00.000-04:00

Long, long weekend. Worked all night Thursday night, left out Friday morning around 9 - headed to Knoxville from Johnson City. It would be a long day with no sleep and a trek from K-Town to Indianapolis. Hell, I hadn't even listened to this band very much, but I needed out. The motley crew converges in Knox: the Snapperman, the Old Man, the maniacal pumpkinheaded freak and the Notorious SOB. All piled into a queer little purple car and headed north.

Stops were made for gas and eats. That little purple queercar didn't hold much gas. A stop in Kentucky lead to pictures and chicken at the Sanders Cafe, the "original" KFC, if you will, complete with tiny museum of chambers and untensils and other implements of destruction. Two of the crew wound up on crosses on the side of the road. A photo-op that made me laugh and made my stomach squirrely at the same time. We saw a billboard with an apparently aborted baby alongside a crucified Savior. I was a bit afeared. Its a long ride through Kentucky, made shorter by the newly made-up Saturday morning cartoon Jesus and The Fetus. You can laugh - lightening doesn't strike - I'd be dead already.

Indiana, Coheed and Cambria. The venue was the Murat Center, which appeared to be some old Masonic temple. It was a nice place to see a show like this. Nice and air-conditioned - it was as fucking hot up there as its been here. The concert was amazing! I became a fan hearing those songs, many of which for the first time. The atmosphere was the most surreal - 20-somethings and 30-somethings sprinkled into an ocean of kids with funky hairdos and black shirts and they knew every word. Was this band a religion to them? Maybe. I saw a somewhat Spanish-looking girl with circus fat and another in a Dragonforce t-shirt, which looked like a character right out of a comic book. All around, the show was 8/10 on my scale.

After show, three of four wanna run around the town a bit. Agent Orange felt compelled to watch one his shows on the Sci-Fi, and he doesnt drink either, so he stayed at the hotel. After some walking around in the cooler nighttime air, noticing all the bars were basically too full to feel comfortable in, we ended up at a BW3's with the largest beer selection I think I'd ever seen, especially in a chain bar. It was an alcoholics heaven. There was talk of the show, talks of usual trivia, one talked of getting married. That was a curveball, to say the least. I know I'm getting older, as is everyone, I just didn't think I'd hear that on this particular...whatever. Glasses clinked and we talked of retarded babies. (No one wants a retarded baby.) Heading back next day back in Kentucky at another KFC men ate too much and all four old-men meters clicked over to shit-alert.

Saturday evening back in Knoxville. Hedwig and The Angry Inch play was sold out, which may have been a good omen. We ran around a bit - the we now is Jaybird and me, Oldguy and his Oldlady - it felt sorta like running around with one's parents, in a good, odd way. Finally deciding on Clerks 2 - two of which had seen it, but damn its funny enough for multiple viewings.

Sunday, one more day. Candlebox concert tonight. Time to kill. Talladega Nights and the Great American Steak Buffet is a good way to knock off the hours. We make it to Blue Cats around 8. Much more humid than in Indy. Opening band, Driveblind, were excellent. But its miserably fucking hot in there. Candlebox tore the fucker down, playing their "oldies" everyone seemed to know. Mention of a pending new album sparked even more excitement from me. Overall show, depite sweltering conditions, still gets 8/10 from me. Driving back Sunday night was a good idea, considering I had to work Monday night, plus its much more comfortable than coming home the next day. Love for Candlebox was rekindled, and I cannot get the Coheed outta my head now - I think I'm a fan. Great time all around. I slept all day Monday. I needed it. One man's pictures may be seen here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/26351619@N00/sets/72157594229840868/

The Will Ferrell Conundrum

2006-07-22T16:36:00.000-04:00

I believe I have talked myself into seeing Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby. Now I think most people wouldn't think twice about going to a Will Ferrell movie. Being a mainstay on SNL for so long, Ferrell became a star, and his comedic talent is well-documented. But that was television - and he's moved on. He's now on the big screen, and thus the paradox begins.

Will Ferrell has been in some great, funny movies. But here's the problem: the great movies in which he's been, he's always been a secondary character, stealing the scenes from the protagonists (examples include Old School and Zoolander - two of the funniest movies ever, and Will is basically the reason they're so funny.) However, Ferrell's movies in which he is the main character have not been as funny (ex. Anchorman and Elf, or whatever the hell the name was, and that awful soccer-dad movie.)

I've sat here in anguish, exploring the options, balancing possibilities, using Socratic method, Pythagoreum theorum, and a well-constructed matrix to decide whether or not I should see this movie. I've decided to proceed at my own risk. Personally, I think this may be the first time Ferrell pulls it off as lead actor. Of course, this time around he may be upstaged by the secondary characters - the cast does include brilliant actors John C. Reilly and Gary Cole, you know. But I think I'll take my chances, live a little, and check this movie out despite my reservations. All I know is the commercials make me laugh my ass off, if that's any indication.

WWIII?

2006-07-21T18:36:00.000-04:00

My my look at those silly fucks in the mid-east now. What a fucking mess! This is getting out of hand. There will be no winner here. Israel now poised near the Lebonese border, obviously planning ground attack into Lebanon. The main enemy was Hezbollah, who kidnapped two Israeli soldiers. Now it seems as though the list may grow to Iran and Syria. Hell, the Lebanese President said today that he is willing to send Lebanese soldiers to the border to hold ground against Israel. That essentially means Lebanese soldiers would be fighting alongside Hezbollah against Israel. Way to go Israel. That entire area of the world basically hates you, and you dont seem to be doing too much to change opinion are you?

Now I'm not an incredibly intelligent man - I have never been in the military in any way shape or form. i dont know that much about politics or foreign diplomacy. But I have my opinions, and I'm gonna express them. I have a question: Why has America always considered Israel to be such an important ally? Is it because of WWII? The Holocaust? Is it because of the abundant Jewish population here in the U.S.? I gotta claim ignorance here. If someone has a legit answer, please tell me. It seems to me that America has been playing Big Brother to them long enough. Sure, the kidnapping was wrong. But the retaliation is, too. They over-reacted. And now they are on the verge of war. And you know what I think? I think they expect the U.S. to come in and fight alongside them for their cause. I think they believe they'll receive help from us in this. The sad thing is I wouldn't be surprised if they get it before its all said and done. Honestly, I dont think Israel deserves our help anymore. They dug their own line in the sand here. They disregarded advice and pleas to stop the attack and they turned a deaf ear. Sounds like somebody else, huh? Are they just copying what they saw their Big Brother do? Oh well.

All-Time Top-5 Sports Movies

2006-07-17T19:02:00.000-04:00

(no order)

Raging Bull
Hoosiers
Miracle
Caddyshack
Rudy

Shame On You, Shanahan!...

2006-07-10T12:55:00.000-04:00

(I was gonna post a picture, but this fucker no longer deserves it.)

My Detroit Red Wings lost Yzerman last week, and now Brendan Shanahan, the team's top goal scorer, has now signed his ass away. The upcoming season would've been his 10th with the Red Wings, and with Yzerman gone, Shanny would've likely been the captain. Instead, he will now play for the New York Rangers - signing a 1-year, 4 million-dollar contract. By the way, this deal was matched by Detroit, yet he chose to leave anyway. Sidebar: Hey Sky, he'll be playing alongside yr precious Jagr now.

Mixed emotions. Opaque optimism. Goddamn this sucks. Thanks for the memories, Shanny. But I'm bitter. I hope you spend 85% of next season on the bench with your leg broken in three places, you Judas! Now fuck off and die as a Ranger. I'm done with you!

Holy Shit! A New "Feature"

2006-07-10T11:45:00.000-04:00

Alright, this is the "High Fidelity All-Time Top Five" for the week. Each Monday I'll post some sort of top-five list. Its all inclusive. It could be anything relating to pop culture, food, anything. Hell, I might even have my all-time top five biblical characters. Anything goes. Furthermore, anyone passing by is welcome and encouraged to respond. Even you tourists who spend no more than 2 min. on any page. I'm gonna start with a relatively simple one - not requiring too much thought for anyone. Oh, and they dont have to be in any rank of importance, although I might rank them from time to time. As for this first one, I will rank them. Here goes something.

"All-Time Top 5 Singer/Songwriters"

1. Tom Waits
2. Johnny Cash
3. Cat Stevens
4. Harry Chapin
5. Roger Miller

Etc.

2006-07-08T18:00:00.000-04:00

I Hear a Train A-Comin' -- Got word the other night that legendary singer/songwriter, actor, comedian, troubador Tom Waits would be touring through my part of the country this summer, and I couldnt be more ecstatic! He may very well be my favorite recording artist overall. I've never seen him before, and this'll probably be the only chance I get (he doesn't tour much, especially in the South.) Will probably see him in Asheville in August. Really looking forward to that.

Johnny Cash's final Ric Rubin-produced album came out July 4th. Haven't bought it yet, but I'll have it shortly. I'm sure its as classic as the other four.

Also looking forward to seeing A Scanner Darkly, the new animated film by anti-hero genius Richard Linklater. Opened Friday in selected cities - hopefully it'll soon arrive in this part of the world. It should be interesting if nothing else.

For what its worth -- I wonder if a special place in hell has been set aside Enron ceo-crook Kenneth Lay. Its a shame he'll never really gets what he deserves: prison rape.

2006-07-05T11:08:00.000-04:00

What would happen if a band came along that congealed basically every rock-n-roll band that you knew and loved growing up and mixed-up the tastiest concoction of songmanship and swagger? Is it possible for a band to take equal parts Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Sex Pistols, AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Rush and Iron Maiden and toss them in the blender with The White Stripes, Coheed and Cambria and modern punk? What would be the outcome of such a magnificent melting pot? It would be WOLFMOTHER.

I'll be honest, I bought this cd on a whim Monday when I went to Target with only one real purpose - to buy the show Rescue Me on dvd (best show on tv, by the way.) Well they only had the first season of Rescue Me, so I was in the market for something else. I was gonna buy KT Tunstall's debut cd while I was there, too. They had this WOLFMOTHER on an endcap for $8.99 - cheaper because of new band and new release, I guess. Now I had only heard their song, Woman, on the radio and saw them do it on Letterman. I liked the song, but figured the album was basically that same idea redone about 12 times, so I was hesitant. Finally I said "fuck it" and grabbed it up.

What I got by picking up that little rectangle containing that little disc was much more than I bargained for. I am a music buff through and through - hell, it may be all keeping me afloat sometimes - and this bastard blew me away. This may very well be one of the best rock albums ever made! This is Exile On Main Street, Never Mind the Bullocks, Revolver, The Wall, Electric Ladyland, Number of the Beast, Led Zeppelin II, and Highway to Hell all clusterfucked and clutter-bucketed together in a cocktail that would make God himself smile and throw up the "devil-horns" from the first concert row. Its flawless. Its immaculate. Its the music I hear when I think of what Heaven sounds like. And if I'm wrong, and its Hell instead with WOLFMOTHER as the soundtrack, then I'll be making my reservations there. Damn, that's a lot of typing, I must like these guys.

As American as Apple-Pie Moonshine

2006-07-04T11:16:00.000-04:00

I have never been a "fan" of flavored drinks, and that includes moonshine with whatever fruit it may contain. Hell, I never was big on moonshine in the first place. That is until I tried this, this beautiful little much ignored piece of Southern Americana. This ain't your grandpa's moonshine, boy. This is one sneaky sum'bitch.

A guy at work a week or so ago mentioned this apple-pie moonshine, and frankly I'd never heard of it. He talked about it like liquid gold, said it was only moonshine in name. It contains more sugar than most shines, as well as cinnamon and Lord only knows what else. And its smooth as a baby's ass. Don't get me wrong, its potent enough to knock one out, but damn is it tasty.

When you open the jar and take a whiff, you'd swear your grandmother just made her famous apple pie and its still cooling in the window. Its a divine aroma. First time I smelled this stuff I immediately craved vanilla ice cream. That craving has yet to waiver. Honestly it tastes like liquid apple pie, like you could see it in the fruit drink section at the grocery store. Thats the scary part: its so smooth and that blend of ingredients overpowers the alcohol so well. Drink responsibly! 'Cuz once it does catch up to you you're basically useless for a while. Don't operate heavy machinery - and no drunk dialing, because it'll make you say things even a good beer buzz will not. If you ever get the chance, you should try some. Just put on some good music, sit back and enjoy.

Etc.

2006-07-04T10:34:00.000-04:00

"Y" Has Left the Building: Longtime captain of the Detroit Red Wings, Steve Yzerman announced his retirement Monday. He was my favorite player, and watching him got me interested in hockey to begin with. It's a black day in Hockeytown. He was captain for 19 years in Detroit, which also happened to be his jersey number. No doubt his number will be retired in Detroit - he played all his 22 seasons there. My guess is he will still be involved with the team, in some sort of scouting or p.r. position. Hell, maybe he'll even coach someday. One can hope. Here are a few Stevie Y. stats:

22 years with the Red Wings/1514 regular season games/692 goals, 1755 points -- 6th best in NHL history/1755 points most ever by a player on only one team in NHL history/3 Stanley Cups/Regular season MVP/Playoff MVP/10 time All-Star selection/Olympic Gold Medal/19 years Captain of the Red Wings, longest serving team captain in NHL history

New cd's in collection: Purchased 7-3-06: KT Tunstall - Eye to the Telescope, Damone - Out Here All Night, and WOLFMOTHER (more on this beast later)

Funny joke: A precious little girl walks into a pet store and asked with a lisp, "Excuthe me mithter, do you thell widdle wabbits?" The store clerk's heart melted, and he knelt down beside the little girl and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft bwack one?" The little girl replied, "I don't think my python gives a thit."

And It Should Have Been...

2006-07-03T18:07:00.000-04:00

1. Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Freebird"
2. Allman Brothers - "Midnight Rider"
3. Allman Brothers - "Jessica"
4. Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Sweet Home Alabama"
5. Allman Brothers - "Ramblin' Man"
6.-20. Everybody Else, because when it comes to Southern Rock, these two are all that truly matter, especially The Allman Brothers, considering they basically invented what is still to this day known as Southern Rock. Others are important, but these are the pioneers. These two started it all.

In Case You Missed It...

2006-07-03T17:43:00.000-04:00

CMT recently did a countdown show of the "20 Greatest Southern Rock Songs." I happened to catch the show and may I say they did a decent job on their selections. Some were there that shouldn't have been, some were ommitted, and some were just in the wrong place. But hell, we cant all be perfect. I've been wrong before. Once or twice. Here's how CMT had them stacked:

20. Gregg Allman - "I'm No Angel"
19. The Charlie Daniels Band - "The South's Gonna Do It Again"
18. The Outlaws - "Green Grass and High Tides"
17. The Marshall Tucker Band - "Heard It In a Love Song"
16. Blackfoot - "Train, Train"
15. The Ozark Mountain Daredevils - "If You Wanna Get to Heaven"
14. Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Gimme Three Steps"
13. Georgia Satellites - "Keep You Hands to Yourself"
12. Molly Hatchet - "Flirtin' With Disaster"
11. Wet Willie - "Keep On Smilin'"
10. Elvin Bishop - "Fooled Around and Fell In Love"
9. .38 Special - "Hold On Loosely"
8. Little Feat - "Dixie Chicken"
7. Hank Williams Jr. - "All My Rowdy Friends"
6. The Allman Brothers Band - "Midnight Rider"
5. The Charlie Daniels Band - "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"
4. The Marshall Tucker Band - "Can't You See"
3. Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Freebird"
2. The Allman Brothers Band - "Ramblin' Man"
1. Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Sweet Home Alabama"

What "Supergroup" Has Taught Me (Thus Far)

2006-07-02T19:20:00.000-04:00

Sebastian Bach, although very talented, is a prick.

Evan Seinfeld is also a talented prick.

Ted Nugent can either be a prick or the coolest President ever.

Jason Bonham is a true gentleman - not just because he's British.

Scott Ian is humble and sincere - and his love for Nuge is almost eerily homosexual.

And finally: They could never make it as a real band.

I've followed the series from the beginning. Its been quite the rollercoaster ride - entertaining and whatnot. Its also been somewhat of an inside look at way the "aging" rockers conduct themselves in everyday life and with their peers. Bach's drinking got out of hand, and Uncle Ted stepped in and I believe that may have put an end to it. I believe if Ted Nugent told me not to do something again or he would kick my ass, I believe I'd listen. 'Cuz he could do it, old enough to be my dad or not. Anyway, series finale tonight so it should be fun to rock-out one last time. One more bottle-raise to a Nuge solo, one more amazing Bonham drumline, one more ridiculously high note nailed by the primadonna frontman. It should be fun.

50 Reasons To Drink...

2006-06-27T16:55:00.000-04:00

to get drunk
you lost yr job
because yr happy
because yr sad
lonliness
for courage
for anxiety
to listen to country music
1 name: Jack Daniel's
boredom
because you can
because you can't
to see pink elephants
politics
religion
money
women
Frank Sinatra did it
it's fun, dammit
it's yr birthday
it's someone's birthday
why else would've water been turned to wine?
White Russians
Black Russians
to keep Belgium in business
Miller High Life
because its there
because a rum and coke would not be good w/o the rum
Pabst Blue Ribbon
to lose inhibition
for the microbreweries
because Larry the Cable Guy makes more money than us
Skyy Vodka
to "get" Tom Waits
because yr a drunk
its a holiday
its tuesday
its 5 o'clock somewhere
Hemingway did it
to speak the truth
Apple Pie moonshine (more on that later)
its legal
to remember
to forget
yr kids drive you crazy
Beck's Dark
Bud-weiser-than-her
why not?

Damn I Need Some "Hed"

2006-06-27T16:15:00.000-04:00

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I bought an ant farm - those little fuckers didn't grow shit.

Gregory Corso: Poet

2006-06-21T17:59:00.000-04:00

THEY

They, that unnamed "they,"
they've knocked me down
but I got up
I always get up -
And I swear when I went down
quite often I took the fall;
nothing moves a mountain but itself -
They, I've long ago named them me.

Hedberg Fix of the Week...

2006-06-21T17:53:00.000-04:00

"I had a friend come up to me and say 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I said 'Dude, give me time to guess. If you wanna quiz me, you must put a pause in there."

Etc.

2006-06-19T13:54:00.000-04:00

I'm in love with Lauren Argo - if you dont know who she is, its your own damn fault.

Guns-N-Roses in court today: apparently some wacko killed his gf/wife/whatever and police found GNR's song "I Used to Love Her" downloaded on his computer only 5 hours before he killed her. Coincidence? Yeah, of course dumbass! Axl didnt kill her, he did because he's a nutjob. Oh well.

Happy Birthday Ann Wilson! You put the heart in Heart. You're an amazing vocalist! It takes a genious to bring both sentimental and sexual risings-up in modern man. I've run the gamut: Heart has been the background to lonely quiet evenings reminiscing, more vigorous nights smoking pot and partying in younger days, to passionate nights that ended late in the morning with exhausted man and woman. Heart fueled the fire. Ann Wilson provided the gasoline. Amazing talent - amazing woman.

The Argo Report

2006-06-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

Well its been two weeks now and Lauren Argo is still spending the majority of her days in the window. A project that initially was meant to be one week turned into two. Yesterday, because I imagine the response the project has gotten, one more week was added. Her paper-plate sign on the wall that once read "One More Week" now reads "Out June 24th". She doesnt spend the entire day in the window, she comes out for showers and bathroom breaks, but most of the day is spent in there. I can only imagine what it must be like.

I never thought this would be as damn compelling as its turned out to be. One would think this would be really damn boring watching someone existing in a 5-by-8 box. But it isnt boring - hell, its entertaining. Who woulda thunk it? If you havent checked it out, you should. And you can see it here: http://www.proofonmain.com/ProofSite/life-as-art.aspx

Pay Attention, Dammit!

2006-06-12T13:25:00.000-04:00

For no real reason at all I wanna tell you about Lauren Argo. Who the hell is she? To tell you the truth, I dont really know. I just know enough to pass along what she's doing. She is in Lexington, Kentucky in a restaurant window "performing", and I use that loosely, I should pro'bly say "living" as a live art piece to study if one can be "real" knowing people are watching. She's in a tiny space with camera on damn near constantly. Interesting stuff. I thought she was gonna be in there for a week but I think its been extended another week, at least. She can be seen in streaming vid here: http://www.proofonmain.com/ProofSite/life-as-art.aspx

Hedberg One-Liner Of the Week...

2006-06-08T08:04:00.000-04:00

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

A Very Special Mitch Hedberg Sunday Edition and a Very Long Title to Boot...

2006-06-04T16:02:00.000-04:00

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls, but when a truckload of rubber was supposed to arrive, a load of potatoes showed up instead. And Pringles is a laid-back company - they said, "Fuck it, cut 'em up"

Bonus One-Liner: This shirt is dry clean only, which means its dirty.

Mitch Hedberg was one of the finest, most misunderstood comedians of our time. His approach was so different than anyone. Always wearing sunglasses, Hedberg more often than not stood behind the mic stand with his head down and his eyes closed. Much of "the funny" came in his delivery. He sounded like a stoner, slow, slurred and deliberate. If a joke didnt work onstage, he would laugh and say "that joke was ridiculous". He appeared on That 70's Show and Ed, as well as appearances on Comedy Central. He also had a minor role in the movie Almost Famous. Hedberg died on Maarch 29, 2005 at the age of 37. He continues to be missed by many. Find out more about Hedberg at the official site http://www.mitchhedberg.net

Hedberg

2006-06-03T15:49:00.000-04:00

I think foosball is a cross between soccer and shish kebobs.

Half-Assed Bio...

2006-06-01T15:28:00.000-04:00

Who is the Notorious SOB? Well, its me - and me is Kevin. And Kevin is about as commonplace on the surface as any single man in his late 20's on the planet. On the surface. What lies beneath the surface? Fuck, where to begin? Furthermore, why should I say? Oh well. Honesty I guess.

Blunt: I'm selfish, lonely, condescending at times, immature, thoughtful, introspective, melancholy, a wee bit insane and quite a bit angry. The sad fact is that I have no direct recipient for my anger, which, of course, makes me more angry 'cuz I have no target.

My little sister got married 20-5-06 and I'm happy for her. I hope she's happy. She looked beautiful. Hell, she is beautiful - I think she's adopted. But goddamn I'm neurotic and sick and all I could think during the reception was how many people gonna say "Well, you're the last one, Kevin, bells in yr future?" If they knew how fucked-up my head was they would not have asked me that.

My Truth: I am a loser, a drunk, a neurotic semi-republican fairly short shy, quiet white guy with no tan and no plan of getting one (it's fucking hot out there). I'm childish, yet somehow far more mature than the people I interact with on a daily basis. I really dont like myself, yet have the uncanny ability to belittle the folks around me. Walking contradiction.

"SUPERGROUP"

2006-05-27T20:35:00.000-04:00

What does one get when one crosses a head-shaved, goateed thrash metalman, Detroit's legendary "motor-city madman", a tall lanky frontman with huge pipes and a huge ego, a tattooed hardcore musician and entrepeneur married to the world's most famous pornstar, and the son of rock's greatest drummer of all-time, in many opinions. What will become of this? Might this become....(gasp) a supergroup?

Many who know me know that I dont care much for reality shows, especially those which involve celebrities. But VH1 has gone and done something I can get my stubborn head around. The premise: take 5 well-known world-class musicians and stick them in a house together to make music. They have 12 days to come up with an original song and be congealed enough to play a kick-ass rock show.

The "players": Legendary guitarist Ted Nugent, former Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach, Biohazard's bassist-turned-porno-king Evan Seinfeld, Anthrax guitar shredder Scott Ian, and Jason Bonham, Zep's Bonzo's son, and a damn fine drummer in his own right. The fact that he is at the very least half as good as his father makes him one of the best drummers in the world.

The show itself is entertaining. Colliding egos, differences as to how they should sound, a definite difference in lifestyles and philosophies. It has the potential to become a damn entertaining train-wreck. Will they pull it off? Yeah pro'bly - because they're all professionals. But music, as in a vacation, sometimes getting there is half the fun. In this case it may be even more fun than end result. We'll see.

Toast

2006-05-27T10:54:00.000-04:00

All around the country and coast to coast

People always say, "What do you like most?"

I don't wanna brag, I don't wanna boast

I always tell 'em "I like toast"

YEAH TOAST!!!

YEAH TOAST!!!-------------------------Heywood Banks

Another Hedberg One-Liner...

2006-05-27T02:00:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty good at tennis, but I will never be as good as the wall. The wall is relentless.

Lap It Up Like A Dog...

2006-05-25T14:42:00.000-04:00

(actual Japanese soda can)

Websites That Should Exist (if they dont already)

2006-05-24T18:02:00.000-04:00

KISSSucks.com

SomeoneKillKathyGriffin.com

DrewHastingsForPresident.gov

TomCruiseIsQueerAndCrazy.net

BarryBondsCheated.com

NationalBeerDay.org

CountdownToBushDeparture.org

LennyKravitzIsAHack.net

KanyeWestIsAFuckingRetardedEgomaniac.com/and_no_you're_not_Jesus

More Mitch...

2006-05-21T06:29:00.000-04:00

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts and he said it was good, but he thought I needed to rewrite it. I said "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

Mitch Hedberg Joke of the Week...

2006-05-18T10:22:00.000-04:00

I find that a duck's opinion of me is based entirely on whether or not I have bread.

Gina! You Killed Morten's Bird...

2006-05-08T18:06:00.000-04:00

Nothing for me today, thank you.

And For The Softer, More Sensitive Rocker....

2006-05-07T16:35:00.000-04:00

I found this picture of A-ha dicking around on here the other day and I laughed my ass off. Its like a Three Stooges or Benny Hill skit if there ever was one. I didnt know Mags had what it takes to pull off some queer French revolutionary look. Color me corrected.

"Run For Your Life"......

2006-05-07T15:54:00.000-04:00

Well, apparently May is Metal Month on VH1. Yeah, that same VH1 that used to play Madonna, Duran Duran and Hall&Oates videos all the time. Oh well. I just recently came across their show, counting down the 40 greatest metal songs of all-time. Okie-dokie.

Being an avid fan of this type of music (as well as others - this my fave though) I decided to check it out. Started out nice. They got Sebastian Bach of Skid Row fame to host the show, which was a good choice. Of course, the entire time I'm thinking "Where are my favorite bands' songs gonna rank - they gotta be in here somewhere."

And they were. It was a mixture of the old-school metal maniacs (you got your Maidens, Priests, Sabbaths, etc.) mixed in with several modern bands (the Korns, Mansons, Chains, etc.) I considered it to be a fairly balanced mix, as much as it probably could be, anyway. So the only question now is "Where were they?"

My personal favorite rock band, IRON MAIDEN!, had two songs out of the 40. "Run to the Hills" came in at a respectable #27, which I found acceptable until Korn's "Freak On a Leash" beat it by a couple of positions. Okay. Maiden also broke the top 10 at #7 with "Number Of the Beast" - hell, I'll take what I can get.

Another of my favorites, Motorhead, also made the list with one song, "Ace of Spades" which came in at #10(!) VH1 actually got that motherfucker right. Motorhead is the Rodney Dangerfield of hard rock in this country. It was nice to see them get some props there.

Of course, its primarily a popularity contest at the core, so of course Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" was #1 - big fucking surprise, right? Ozzy also had two more on the list, not because he's good, but because he's Ozzy. Oh well. Guns-and-Fuckin'-Roses had an impressive showing though. "Paradise City" came in at #21 and "Welcome to the Jungle" rose all the way to #2, which is very deserving. They gave rock the shot in the arm when it needed it. They sent lesser bands, and lesser men (the Slaughters, Wingers, and Firehouses) packing.

Other notables: Megadeth at #11 with "Peace Sells (But Who's Buying)", Anthrax w/ Public Enemy at #12 with "Bring the Noise" (you're welcome Korn, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, etc.) Some things were total bullshit, though. Kiss' "Detroit Rock City"was #6, I believe. Gimme a fuckin' break, boys - they aren't even a "metal" band. Hell, they arent even a good band. Again, I think popularity played some role in the process, but all in all it was decent. It also gave me an excuse to sit on the couch and drink PBR's and hold up my bottle and go "woo" a la Ric Flair when a song I like came on. Like I need an excuse to to that.....

Great, Funny Quote...

2006-05-05T10:16:00.000-04:00

"Americans aren't afraid of Mexicans, Americans are afraid that Mexicans are turning America into Mexico."-----comedian David Crowe

What's So Great About Overstock .com???

2006-05-05T10:10:00.000-04:00

Oh, right. Mmm-hmm.
I knew there was something.

BEER RUN!!!

2006-05-03T13:42:00.000-04:00

B double - e, double - r-u-n
beer run
B double - e, double - r-u-n
beer ru-un
All we need is a ten and a fiver
A car, and a key and a sober driver
B double - e, double - r-u-n,
B-E-E-R R-U-N!!!
-----------------------Todd Snider

2006-04-27T16:18:00.000-04:00

Damn Fine Lyric....

2006-04-25T15:02:00.000-04:00

"With your bitch-slap rappin' and your cocaine tongue you get nu-thin' done..."

This Guy....

2006-04-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

Was one bad motherfucker - in case anyone has forgotten.

Decent Quotes From a Decent Prez.

2006-04-25T12:07:00.000-04:00

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

and finally

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

Is This Stevie Y's Last Run...?

2006-04-24T11:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, those in the know know that I'm a hockey fan through and through. They may also know that the Stanley Cup playoffs started this past Friday. My two favorite teams made the playoffs - the Detroit Red Wings and the Nashville Predators.

My favorite all-time player happens to play for the Red Wings: centerman Steve Yzerman (I-zer-man) . He ranks right up there with the best - and its his playing ability alone that got me into hockey in the first place. As far as favorites go, he's (in my opinion) and we're talking favorites here, right there with my favorite players from each major sport: "Magic" Johnson in "da bassetball" world, "Sweetness" Walter Payton from the football universe, and Ozzie Smith from the St. Louis Cardinals in the baseball.

Sad thing is this may very well be "Stevie Y's" last run for the Stanley Cup - the longest running Championship in professional sports, by the way. He's a seasoned veteran, a man among lesser men and boys - a "fucking champion" as TT would say. Bottom line is he is one of the last great hockey players: skill, stick-handling, speed, hard-nosed players. He's of course a shoo-in for the Hall Of Fame when that time comes, but for now he's longing for one more chance to hoist Lord Stanley's Cup above his head in triumph - and I'm gonna be rooting along every step of the way.

The Red Wings were the No. 1 seed in the Western Conf. this year and they are playing the Edmonton Oilers in the first round. Currently the series is tied 1-1, travelling to Edmonton for game 3. I can only hope for the best. Hockey rocks. Period. End of discussion.

The Should-Be Next Prez

2006-04-17T11:07:00.000-04:00

If you're aware of this guy, then great. If you're not, then get your ass over to his website: http://www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com

Mike tackles all subjects from immigration to "gay-movies" to Starbucks and their "seven fucking dollar" coffees to all things in between and beyond.

He's loud, he's rash, and he doesn't give a fuck if you like him or not - because he's happy and content in his own skin. That's the way it should be. He's a modern-day Buddha from Brooklyn - proud of his heritage, love for the good ol' days when things were easier and much simpler. Some of it may well be an act, of course, but he says what he means and means what he says. That's more than one can say about most people trolling around on this earth.

I don't know, nor do I care, where he stands on the political fence. It doesn't matter to me. I've voted on both major sides as well as independants and minor parties alike. I vote for people, not parties. All I know is that this old bastard right here makes more sense to me than anyone I've heard in quite some time. Maybe I'm an older, heftier, northern-leaning smart-ass with a big mouth by heart. He's just right about it all.

Oh, and damn does he crack me up when he laughs.

Mitch Hedberg One-Liner

2006-04-15T17:59:00.000-04:00

I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

ANALOGUE

2006-04-15T14:18:00.000-04:00

Damn. I never thought I would say this, but I think this might be my new favorite aha disc. I dont know. It seems a bit more broad than any other. More haunting. Brooding. One cant help but be reminded of the Beatles (whom were only good for a couple albums, in my opinion). I'm hearing some "white album" in here. I'm hearing some Rubber Soul also. This is better, of course. Maybe its because Mags contributed so much to this album - maybe he's the genius behind the pretty boy and the Savoy-boy. Its right up there with East Of The Sun - maybe surpassing it. I've listened to that album hundreds of times. Literally. I've only listened to Analogue half a dozen, and its already discombobulated me so.

Call me crazy, call me what you will. The sadness of it all, of course, is that millions of Keane/Coldplay/etc. fans might possibly never hear this album. Those bands basically made a career out of the style of music aha has been producing for 20 years! And many of their fans may never know the source. Maybe they will someday. Theyre missing out.

Rock Is Dead?...

2006-04-06T09:27:00.000-04:00

Is it an imperative statement, or simply a question? Has music lost its edge? Is there anyone out there carrying the torch for "real" rock music: the disdain for the norm, the fuck-you attitude, the rebellion against the status-quo, the rocker who wants nothing more than to party and get laid.

Now, I used the GNR logo because, in my opinion, they might very well have been the last real rock band that came along. And if there is someone out there in today's hip-hop and r&b obsessed ringtone-5$ cup of coffee-brad and angelina-paris hilton-screw me up the ass with an ipod world, then please let me know. If not, shut the hell up.

Of course, I have my own SOB rebuttals for whatever one can throw at me. You better be original. The Killers? Yeah, I like them, but they're no rock band. Nickelback? Please. A handful of cowboy redneck Canadians are not rockers. They're music is for hillbilly douchebags and the female population. Fine. Green Day? Gimme a fuckin break. Who else is "hot" right now? Sorry I didnt watch the E! Channel this week so I may be oblivious.

So maybe rock is a thing of the past. I cant seem to find anyone new bringing it. What I do know is that there have been plenty of real rock bands to come and go, some still around. GNR, Motorhead, The MC5, Motley Crue, AC-DC, etc. There are others, of course, and you have your favorites too. So throw them out there. Dont be a spineless wanker just for fear of me saying something sharp in return. Hell, I'm just an S.O.B. anyway.

Mitch Hedberg One-Liner of the Week...

2006-04-04T10:29:00.000-04:00

I like Kit-Kats, unless I'm with 4 or more people.

2006-03-30T09:04:00.000-05:00

Anyone else find this funny? Or am I pushing a button I perhaps should not?

SONOFABITCH!!!

2006-03-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

I was just posting (venting) about work, paragraphs and all, and I fucked around and deleted it. FUCK! Here's a summary.....

What Are The Odds?

2006-03-27T09:50:00.000-05:00

A Little Window to the Soul of an S.O.B.---

2006-03-27T09:23:00.000-05:00

"Why else should we live but to discuss (at least) the horror and the terror of all this life, God how old we get and some of us go mad and everything changes viciously--it's that vicious change that hurts, as soon as something is cool and complete it fall apart and burns--" Jack Kerouac, from Desolation Angels

Damn now thats something. Talk about "sometimes life just sucks" - Kerouac gets too much unnecessary "fame" for his On The Road. Great book, yes, but if thats all one knows of Kerouac, one doesnt know shit, quite frankly. Some of his works, such as this one and Big Sur, really wallow so much deeper in life's abyss than the drinking, pill-popping, 90 miles an hour across the country just for kicks life that On The Road gives us. Kerouac the author was much more thoughtful and reflective than many even know. But thats just my opinion, and I'm a sum'bitch.

Mitch Hedberg Joke of the Week

2006-03-27T08:39:00.000-05:00

I like to have a couple of drinks before I come onstage. My manger said "Mitchell, you shouldn't use alcohol as a crutch." I don't use alcohol as a crutch, 'cuz a crutch helps me walk.

Another Legend Gone: Buck Owens, 1929-2006

2006-03-26T07:28:00.000-05:00

Well the world lost another pioneer of country music, "American" music - he called it. Owens died at his home in Bakersfield Saturday at the age of 76. Cause is as of yet unknown. During his career Owens had more than twenty number one records - notables "Act Naturally" and "I've Got A Tiger By The Tail". He had a sound all his own, referred to as the Bakersfield Sound (honky-tonk with twang) later adopted by artists such as Dwight Yoakam, an Owens disciple. Whether one remembers him more for his legendary voice and songwriting ability, the precision of his band, The Buckaroos, or his years on Hee-Haw (red-white-and blue guitar in hand) he will surely be missed.

--Bakersfield is also getting some coverage lately for another musical act, White Nationalist act Prussian Blue. Basically its a pair of cute 13-year-old twins singing original and cover songs about white pride, eugenics, and so on. ABC did a story on them late last year, and apparently it didnt go too well. I gotta admit, I surfed around and checked out some things. They have two albums available now. Of the tracks I heard (many of which contain very little talk of anything too offensive) they werent anything special. The newest cd was much better - the vocals were much improved, the music has gone from folkie to a pop/punk/rock sound. Quite frankly, it sounded pretty good. Do I agree with the ideals? No, but I like the idea of people standing up for what they believe in - thats supposed to be the way it works in America. Unfortunately, it seldom works that way without some sort of backlash. Oh well.

Mitch Hedberg One-Liner of the Week...

2006-03-21T08:02:00.000-05:00

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would be very upset if she heard me say that.

Thought For the Day...

2006-03-16T09:55:00.000-05:00

This blog's a waste of time - very little time, but a waste nonetheless.

Quote...

2006-03-16T09:43:00.000-05:00

"Well, I gotta keep rockin' while I still can, gotta two-pack habit and a motel tan. With my boots to the boards I'm a brand new man, with my back to the horizon I make my stand..."

---Steve Earle, from "Guitar Town"

Mitch Hedberg One-Liner Of The Week

2006-03-13T08:04:00.000-05:00

"I use to do drugs. I still do, but I useto too."

Thought For The Day...

2006-03-08T11:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to.

Although It May Concern No One But Me...

2006-03-07T08:43:00.000-05:00

...a baseball player whom I have much respect for has passed on. Kirby Puckett, longtime member, and 2nd youngest inductee ever into the Hall Of Fame, has passed away. As a sports fan I appreciate the class and character he brought to the game. As a St. Louis Cardinal fan, however, I still hate the fact that Kirby's Twins beat "my" Cardinals the last time the Red Birds even made it to the World Series other than the debaucle with the Red Sox a couple years ago. Kirby was an amazingly talented player, a selfless player willing to forego individual accolades for the betterment of the team. He was one of the greatest. In a Hall Of Fame full of people not so deserving, as well as those deserving who may never get in (i.e. Pete Rose) Kirby Puckett deserves to be there, and he brings a touch of class to the Hall. He will be missed. Who's next to die?.....

Thought Of The Day

2006-02-27T09:37:00.000-05:00

"Nip it in the bud."---------

Actor Don Knotts has passed away, and frankly I'm gonna miss that old motherfucker. He was one of the greatest physical comedians of all time. Thats all I'm gonna say about it.

Blah Blah Blah...

2006-02-12T11:12:00.000-05:00

Another bullshit holiday just around the corner - and the SOB couldnt care any less. I seem to recall a few years ago Feb. 14th as being small in comparison to today. Remember the good old days: you would take your "valentines" that your mom bought a couple days prior and pass them out at school to your classmates, sometimes getting your gf/bf a slightly larger card - a bit more elaborate and that was that.

Nowadays its a big deal. Its just another bullshit commercial holiday made so enormous by merchants. Its just another chance for the guy to fuck up. Hell, we have plenty of those, daily, so why must we have a designated day where if we dont get it just right, consequences could be brutal? I scoff at this bullshit holiday - its days like this I'm glad to be single. Of course, an attitude such as mine on subjects like this are pro'bly the reason I'm single. Oh well.

Single men have what involved men can never have: time to spend with whats most important - MEDIA!!! DVD's and cd's, movies, books, music, concerts, hockey games and time to stare at the fucking wall in silence if we choose. And Moly Hoses, that makes up for it all.

Speaking of dvd's and cd's - two new gems for Rat Pack enthusiasts out there (damn, now those guys had it in the bag - the guys wanted to hang with 'em and the women wanted to fuck 'em - now thats charisma). The Dean Martin Variety Show now available on dvd! Talk about a grand old time. It was a different age of television - the golden age, if you will. Available at http://www.deanvariety.com

And if that's not enough, the real shit kicker is for the Sinatra fans. I saw the commercial for it the other day and shit a brickhouse in my shortpants. Capitol has come out with Frank Sinatra: The Capitol Concept Albums. All of Ol' Blue Eyes' work from '53 to '62 if memory serves right. 14 complete albums - 190 songs - all original artwork and liner notes - and a 20-page book w/ pictures - boxed-up and ready to roll for around 130 bucks. Well worth that, I say. Now be a man, grab your sack, and pick it up at http://www.sinatracollection.com

And no I'm not being compensated for these endorsements - just a guy who likes what he likes - and if you dont like it, then chances are I will not like you.

Thought For The Day...

2006-01-30T13:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just gotta stick your ass out and hope that nobody bites it off.

Well, today is bubblewrap appreciation day, go ahead look it up. Can we have a moment of silence.....

Thought For The Day...

2006-01-23T07:40:00.000-05:00

This was actually taken from a soap opera, one which I happen to catch from time to time. I believe it stands on its own without any backstory ---

"No woman's been better off without my interference."

I'll Be Damned

2006-01-20T09:43:00.000-05:00

Sitting here having a brew listening to The Bob and Tom Show on the radio - as is my normal routine - and they mentioned in passing that Wilson Pickett died yesterday. Damn. I'm not one to really mourn the loss of people whom I dont know, and death is a part of this life anyway, but every once in a while these things affect me a little bit.

Pickett died of an apparent heart attack yesterday at the age of 64. He did however leave behind a great catalogue of music, most of which was written himself (somewhat of a rarity in his heyday). Ive heard them say that Otis Redding might have been the black Elvis, but for my money I'll take Pickett anyday. For God's sakes, he took a terrible Beatles song ("Hey Jude") and actually made it quite enjoyable. Thats something. He had more swoon and swagger than most dream of, and dammit its sad to see him go. He was only 64.

And Here It Is...

2006-01-16T11:30:00.001-05:00

I recently mentioned a movie and said it was a new edition to my all-time top-20 faves. Now a list like this is always somewhat taxing to compile, but I aint scurred. Of course, I couldnt put them in any sort of numerical order, for that would be impossible. And some of them would never make a film critic's list of the greats. But this is the S.O.B.'s list - and if you dont like it, well, make your own damn list! I dare you.

From Here to Eternity-- "Just 'cuz a man loves somethin' doesnt mean its gotta love him back."
It's A Wonderful Life-- "Why do we have to have all these kids anyway?"
A Face In the Crowd-- Andy Griffith as an asshole? You betcha
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-- "Next woman takes me on's gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars."
Touch of Evil-- Charlton Heston as a Mexican - and Orson Welles
Hud-- "So naturally I just had to go bad, in the face of so much good."
Sergeant York-- Maybe the finest film ever made
A River Runs Through It-- One word: Montana
The Shawshank Redemption-- "I like to think the last thing to go through the warden's head, besides that bullet, was how he let Andy Dufresne get the best of him."
High Fidelity-- "I am a fucking asshole."
The 40-Year Old Virgin-- Maybe the funniest movie I've ever seen. Maybe.
Midnight Cowboy-- "You tryin' to tell me John Wayne's a fag?"
American Psycho-- "You're not terribly important to me."
Hedwig and the Angry Inch-- "How did some slip of a girly boy become the internationally ignored song-stylist barely standing before you today?"
The Great Escape-- McQueen. Garner. Bronson. Coburn. Sounds like a manly law firm
Casablanca-- "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."
The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra-- "Oh well."
The Devil's Rejects-- "Boy, the next word that comes out of your mouth better be some brilliant fuckin' Mark Twain shit, 'cuz its definitely gettin' chiseled on your tombstone."
A Streetcar Named Desire-- Marlon Brando and Vivian Leigh
Fight Club-- "Shit man, now its all gone."

No doubt this'll be a list that changes from time to time, but this is how I see it this day - so its right....right now anyway.

Thought For the Day...

2006-01-16T10:51:00.000-05:00

In order for me to be a bit more regimented in posting, I think I'll add a thought for the day, at least every Monday. It might be a movie quote, maybe a song lyric, maybe my own barbaric random thoughts, whatever. Lets see how long this lasts, hmmm?...Today's thought:

"There's nothing sadder than a dead fish."-------

Damn I Feel S'Good Today

2006-01-15T10:23:00.000-05:00

Not the type of thing one expects to hear from one such as me, I know, but hell I just cant help it. After a long night of beer drinking and watching classic movies I jumped up off the friend's couch, gathered my shit and off I went. Headed straight to the evil Starbucks, of which I'm not obsessed as some are, rather a mere fairweather fan of the White Mocha brewed there, Damn thats the good stuff.

The second I was handed my cup, pretentious cardboard sleeve and all, the aroma filled the Jeep and I felt the slightest sense of optimism. Sure to soon pass, but thats okay too. Travelling down the highway with Keane blasting and White Mocha flowing - I tell you, I cant imagine any churchgoer around who might have had that much love of life and lord and all that surrounds as I did that moment, sun glaring through the windshield. First day on earth, seems like.

Now I saw a movie last night that I can say is one of the finest, funniest films my nearsighted eyes have ever seen. Title: A Face In The Crowd - starring Andy Griffith, Patricia Neal (Tennessee pride), and Walter Mathau. And goddam is it a good movie. Easily a brand spankin' new top 20 all-time favorite of mine. I'm not gonna go into details about it, 'cuz I wouldnt know where to start, but if you havent seen it, please do, and then thank me for it. Moly Hoses!!!

On Resolutions...

2006-01-13T20:24:00.000-05:00

Damn the first post of the new year and it only took me thirteen days. Oh well. I suppose I might as well lay down the S.O.B.'s resolutions for the new year - an anti-list, if you will.

1. Continue smoking
2. Drink even more often
3. Eat wrong, no exercise
4. Be less outgoing
5. Distance myself from loved ones
6. Fail in a relationship
7. Watch more of my friends die
8. Hold grudges
9. Take general less care of myself
10. To actually post more often

All these things should make me a much less well-rounded individual, less liked by people, avoided by family and friends, terrible health, and lonely. Its good to have goals.

Son Of A......

2005-12-29T13:33:00.000-05:00

Well I'll be damned if I didnt get sick Christmas Eve and still havent overcome. I get a nice week and a half off and I'll spend most of it coughing and snotting around the house. Effing figures. I cant win - at least know that. I havent even felt like getting snockered and watching Its A Wondeful Life yet. I think I'll give it a try tonight though. Maybe thats what I need: get some alcohol in the bloodstream and kill this thing. Who knows?

Sidebar: as I'm sitting here typing this thing I'm listening to Marilyn Manson, whom I havent listened to in quite some time, and I'll be damned if I dont like it. He broke out when I was still in high school, and I liked it then. Then he got all unisex-cyborg-alien shit there for a while and he kinda lost me. But I think I'm comin' around again. Oh well.

I do believe its time for more medicine. I learned something over the past few days - this nasal spray stuff kicks ass! I think I'm addicted...

"Its A Festivus Miracle!"

2005-12-23T20:21:00.000-05:00

Well its that time of year again, so Happy Festivus to all. I've got the aluminum pole out, and its time for the airing of grievances.

I want all of you to now that you have disappointed me this year. People obsessed with material items. Culture obsessed with the lives of celebrities. Who cares if Brad and Jen are together or not? What good does it do me? Who cares if gays get married or not? What business is it of mine? Again, if it doesnt affect me directly, why should I give a fuck?

I'm disappointed with the media blowing stories up, using missing persons as ratings plots. Some girl is missing in Aruba? She left a bar with a bunch of guys and now they cant find her? "We have no idea where she is." Come on, help us find her...here's the hotline number. Screw that, I once thought about calling just to say "Yeah I know where she is - she was a shark snack about three days ago." You will not find her, theres nothing to find. And this isnt an attack on her, but I'm tired of turning the television on and have the news channels still talking about it! "Breaking News" it says. People seem to have so little common sense anymore. And we are supposed to be the mindless automatons glued to the boob tube. No thank you. I'll watch Seinfeld and turn the fucker off or put a DVD in.

Whats worse than the news? The mother-mcfuckin' "reality shows". They need to start calling most of them what they are...game shows. If theres some prize at the end of the show, its a game show, plain and simple. You wanna reality show - I've got one. Take a bunch of white supremacists and throw them into the center of Harlem at dusk with no money, cell phone, etc. and lets see if they make it out. Survivor Harlem. Of course, if one does make it out I guess being alive could be his prize, and its become a game show once again. Oh well.

I could go on and on, rambling and ranting and raving about this or that. I prefer to keep my blood pressure down this evening though. But in this holiday season I wish everyone safe and happy times, whatever one celebrates or doesnt celebrate - doesnt matter to me. I'm just looking forward to getting snockered and watching Its A Wonderful Life in a couple of days - a Notorious tradition.....

Over-rated / Under-rated

2005-12-22T17:06:00.001-05:00

O: Bruce Springsteen
U: Tom Waits
--------------------------------------
O: basketball
U: hockey
--------------------------------------
O: Coldplay
U: A-Ha
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O: Allen Ginsberg
U: Lawrence Ferlinghetti
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O: liquor
U: beer
--------------------------------------
O: beer
U: liquor
--------------------------------------
O: duct tape
U: velcro
--------------------------------------
O: Angelina Jolie
U: Jon Voight
--------------------------------------
O: The John Boy and Billy Show
U: The Bob and Tom Show
--------------------------------------
O: porn on DVD
U: porn on DVD
--------------------------------------
O: U2
U: UB40
--------------------------------------------------------------

Thats all for now - additions welcome, somewhat appreciated.

Getting Older and More Bitter-er

2005-12-21T14:42:00.000-05:00

It is undeniably true - we are all getting older day by day and there isnt a damn thing we can really do about it. I'm beginning to notice myself becoming less and less tolerant of people - ages, cultures, etc. and the only explanation I can fathom is simply that I'm getting older.

Okay, I'm only 28 and thats not old by any stretch of the word but it seems as though my mentality ages quicker than my body. I can remember when I first started working at my job - ripe, yet green at 23 - still living like there might not be a tomorrow. And I can remember the older guys (and I'm talking 30-40) complaining about "these damn kids comin' in" with their "attitudes and wild habits and sloppy clothes etc." Of course, I was one of the "kids" they were referring to, and likewise I just thought of them as the old fucking geezers in my way, slowing me down.

Cut ahead only 4 years and I've already become one of the old geezers, at least in spirit. Those damn kids in there now are exactly the same as me when I started, yet they're just a bunch of damn punks. I'm still young enough to hold my own physically, yet I side with the fellas that called me a punk when I started. The ones who have lost a step or two, yet have the knowledge within. And I'm somewhere in the middle.

We used to have things we could count upon. We used to have role models, heroes. Used to be that kids could look to popular culture for heroes - world leaders that changed the world and sports figures that gave their all. Who do have to look up to now? The sports figures are either bargaining for even more money, or complaining about their own teammates, or getting into brawls with fans, or being arrested for either drugs or assault or some sort of lewd or vulgar conduct. As far as world leaders (okay, we'll say Dubya) go, well lets just say that Howdy Doody can never run for prez 'cuz they'll call him a hack. Been there, done that, bought a "I Love New York" t-shirt, but not until after the fact, of course. Damn, I'm getting tired.

Oh - and I'm gettin' the arthritis in my left arm, too. How fucking great is that?

Why the Hell Do I Feel Like Molly Ringwold?

2005-11-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

Ok pro'bly not really, but I feel a lil' bit alone today. Cant help it - its my birthday and my own fucking family has yet to acknowledge. Ok, both mom and dad called me this morning - but I have two siblings (older brother and younger sister (light of my life) and neither has called me). No other relatives or friends either. You know what? Fuck'em - not in a malicious way. They have their own lives to tend to, and I understand that. But damn, it would be nice....

Frankly, I'm at the lowest point I've ever been - not just today, but for the past couple of months. I've scraped the bottom and there's nothing there. Only way to go is up. But its hard when you're a practicing pessimist. Things just dont look better on the other side. They're scarier, larger, more cumbersome. My current burden is large enough. I cant handle any more baggage - not until I rid myself of this I have now. Maybe tomorrow will be lovely - today leaves a lump in my throat and the proverbial hole in my heart.

Very Old Poem...

2005-11-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

who's gonna remember me
when I'm dead and gone
is there anyone out there
bold enough to sing my song
is there anyone capable
of defending my honor
if I have any honor to defend
anyone gonna take a stand
anyone gonna try their hand?

will anyone show for my funeral
any women to weep and cry
any kids to wonder why
anyone to put flowers on my head
anyone wish I wasnt dead
anyone gonna take a stand
anyone gonna try their hand
who's gonna remember me
when I'm dead and gone?

Live And Learn?....Doubt It

2005-10-24T14:30:00.000-04:00

Well I can say "ding dong, the bitch is gone" and not feel bad about it. And believe it or not, that isnt coming from a cold place. I simply dont care. Breaking-up is easy once one realizes they just dont care. There is quite a backstory to all this nonsense - a long history of her using me and me allowing it to happen for one reason or another. So I wasnt surprised when it happened, and it really didnt hurt me deeply because I was in love with her, but it hurt more because it was just another failed attempt at something. I suppose I was more down on myself than on her.

Funny thing is that all who know me and had either met her or had heard the reservations I had about her told me they didnt know why I was wasting my time. And essentially thats what I was doing. But I did enjoy wasting time with her. Funny how that works. Oh well. Its done now and I'm not looking back for any reason. I talked to her last Friday night for just a few minutes - told her I was fine with everything and was moving on. Also that I valued her friendship (we've been only friends for several years). She was pretty well drunk though, and I doubt she really took in much of it. She started crying - in that "I really fucked-up" kinda way. I could have told her that. She'll never find anyone who will treat her better than me, the Notorious S.O.B.

Update

2005-10-19T19:43:00.000-04:00

Well the girfriend is no longer, and I can say I'm better off for things being over with her. We might remain friends - although I really dont know why, seems kinda pointless. I'm just at the stage now where I'm relieved its over, but at the same time a bit lonesome after the fact.

The funny thing is I know it was for the best, whether I wanna admit it or not. But I must say the t-shirt she slept in here that always hangs over the computer chair is still right where she last left it, and I cannot bring myself to remove it, though I know I should. As of now I cant though, for I can still smell her on it and leaves me with the mixed feeling of solitude and desolation. It smells like home to me - even though that feeling will pass right along with the scent. Hmmm.....

Another Drunken Thought...

2005-10-19T19:40:00.000-04:00

I'd much rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.

Drunken Thought For The Day....

2005-10-11T13:35:00.000-04:00

A woman who doesnt lie is about as common as a queer who doesnt like dick.

Time to Blow ----

2005-10-11T09:58:00.000-04:00

Goddamit when it rains it fuckin' pours huh? A month ago I could've come on here and talked about how fuckin great things are going and how happy I've been lately. but that was a month ago. now all i can talk about is how fucked-up pretty much every aspect of my life is right now and how i have no control over it. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not used to being the vulnerable one - the one at the mercy of other people - and now i am in every way shape and form.

i'm not gonna go into details about all this because quite frankly no one cares about details and if they do they're little cunts with nothing better to do than to find a blog that doesnt make their own life seem so shitty. lets just say this: i'm basically broke right now (which i've never been before), i have been neglecting friends and family, and my fucking girlfriend is about to break-up with me and i know it (although i honestly dont think i give a fuck if she does or not - the question now is "should i beat her to the punch?")

but anyway, complaining doesnt do anyone any good so you people who may stumble across this i want you to have a great fuckin day because even if you have a shitty day you still have me beat by quite a bit, and of course i'll never forgive you for that.....

If I May Take A Minute to Bitch...

2005-10-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

Having realized to myself now that I have no idea what I'm doing in this blog, or why I started it, or why I should continue it for that matter, I chose to look at some other blogs.

I did this in the most obvious random way, by hitting the "Next Blog" option in top right corner. I saw the good, the bad, the outright retarded, and the utterly pointless.

As I clicked around, I noticed a couple of recurring themes: the student traveling or studying abroad and the kids using school computers to write about what is in their fuckin' lunchbox. The former seems rather interesting and appropriate, the latter pretty damn ridiculous.

I spent several hours clicking around, reading some posts, viewing some profiles, etc. and I began to realize something - for the most part, people just get on my fucking nerves! They're pretentious and boring. Many have little to say, yet they say too much. The best blogs I came across were rather small and concise, irreverent, funny, perhaps a little un-p.c. - as well they should be.

I would much rather come across some jerk talking about how he doesnt like pop tarts because his mom made him eat them every fucking morning and that his girlfriend's a bitch because she says his car isnt as nice as her's than I wanna read about what some slag housewife made for dinner the previous evening. Call it a personal preference I suppose. Thats just me: a downright prick, the Notorious S.O.B.

"Its Been Such a Long Time..."

2005-09-27T23:28:00.000-04:00

Shit its been damn near a month since I have posted. Oh well, who the hell cares anyway. I'll post when I bloody well please, that keeps my sense of commitment at bay from this time- wasting activity. Much has been going on, and I'll be sure and post it up soon as possible. Took a vacation, fell into relationship and much, much more - not that anyone gives a fuck, huh? More on all that extremely soon, I promise - unless of course I'm lying....

Cell Phone Hell

2005-08-29T12:29:00.000-04:00

Well hell its been awhile. I had an unfortunate mishap with the good 'ol damned cell phone this weekend: I decided to update my plan and get a new phone Saturday. No big thing one would think. I was also gonna get my girlfriend a phone and if possible the same plan I had been on.

Of course, the plan I had no longer existed so I decided to do the "share-plan" and just put them together with ample minutes. Sounds gravy, yes? Well, as I tried to go through the activation process, the number I had for years didnt go through. The new phone went through without a hitch. Fine, not pissed yet. Trek back to the mall (another area I'm sure to rant about how much I hate at some point) to get the problem solved.

A friend of mine was working in there - a whip of a kid too - bright, very good at everything, you know the type. He was completely stumped by the problem. Said he'd never seen phone do what mine was doing. Getting a 'lil pissed. So he tried to call cus. service - they're gone for the day, no 24-hour support,evenfor their own employees. Getting more pissed. Finally, they say there's isnt anything else they could do that evening, and to retry the phone every 30 min. for the SIM card to read properly.

No dice - so I'm back at the fuckin' mall sunday. Now I'm pissed. Still they dont get the problem fixed and tell me I'm gonna have to call tech. support monday morning - said they open at 7am. I call at 7-o-fucking-5 and get a pleasant sounding woman, Janis, who within 10 minutes had the problem fixed and my phone online. Everything working now. She said they had some problems saturday evening, so i wasnt alone. God bless Janis. She made my fucking day early this morning....

My Chemical Romance

2005-08-19T23:30:00.000-04:00

Ok, I might as well take up a little space here and preach about this band. They fucking rock! The first single from the album, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, was the song "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" This song sparked my interest right out of the gate - it sounded somewhat familiar, yet new and exciting as well. The second single was "Helena" - I knew after hearing it (and seeing the video) that I had to get the album. What I got was more than I bargained for.

The album is full of killer material. They actually take a more prog-rock approach to their punk anthems, and the album has a conceptual vibe to it - all the songs tie in together to tell a haunting little story of love, passion and murder. It's quite the shit-kicker. The inside cover of the cd booklet is laid-out like a movie poster, which reads

THE STORY OF A MAN,
A WOMAN,
AND THE CORPES OF
A THOUSAND EVIL MEN...

followed by a row of pictures of the band. Pretty neat, pretty good. Thats all i'm gonna say about it except go out and buy the damn thing. They're doing something worthwhile.